I was granted a rare opportunity over the weekend. I was asked to interview Kim Jong-un, the dictator of North Korea. I was apprehensive at first because it has been 23 years since I set foot in Korea and back up at Panmunjom. I accepted and called my Uncle Duff. He was the one who got me started in blogging and used to host a blog called “One Man’s Tofu.” He said I should take the chance because it will probably be the only chance the American People have to hear from him on the situation going on there. He reminded me to take his interview kit with me so I would have a good trip.
So armed with my pad and pencil, a bottle of 20-year-old, single malt scotch and a package of Nutter Butters, I left for the airport. When I arrived in Seoul it almost felt like I never left. I was met by a representative from our Embassy there and escorted to a secure area for a briefing before the 45 minute ride up MSR 3 (Military Supply Route) for my interview. I was cautioned to not say anything that could escalate the current situation but then I was asked to try and gather any intel I could. Not escalating the situation might be hard for me with my propensity to be a smart ass but agreed and was taken out to a waiting car.
When we arrived at Panmunjom, I was escorted to the very room where the cease-fire was signed some 61 years ago and I visited 24 years ago in the winter of 1989. Armed guards from both the North Korean Army and Republic of Korea (ROK) were stationed outside the doors. A white line ran down the middle of the room to designate the 38th Parallel and signify the division between north and South Korea. There was a large oak table in the middle of the room with a chair on the north and south side of the table. I of course was seated on the southern side.
I was nervous as I sat there. I opened my notebook and put my pencil out. I set the bottle of scotch and Nutter Butters out as well. I was fidgety as I waited. I folded my hands neatly and sat there waiting. The door opened up on the Northern end of the room and in walked a portly little fella roughly about 4’ 10”. I stood up, trying to remember my diplomacy and extended my hand. “Sir, it is a great honor,” I said. He looked me over, up at me actually, and shook my hand. “It is a preasure to welcome you,” he replied. I noticed they had discreetly placed 3 books on his chair so he could see over the table. I opened the package of Nutter Butters and offered them to him. He took his share and slid the package back to me; with three left in it. “Sir,” I said, “Would you like a drink?” I motioned towards the bottle of scotch. “What you got?” he asked. “A 20 year-old bottle of scotch,” I said. “Hooch?” he asked. I smiled and felt the hair on the back of neck stand up. Hooch. It was better than the Soju they try and pass off as booze. Anyhow, with the pleasantries over with, it was time to get down to business.
ATCMC – You are currently under fire for ramping up your nuclear program and threatening a launch. Does this concern you in the overall picture of everything?
Kim Jong-un – (Through a mouthful of Nutter Butters) Me not worried what others think. Me running this prace, not the U.N. Hey, that my name. ha ha ha ha. He took a swig of scotch, belched, and continued. Your Plesident Balack Obama think he can treaten us with sanctions, he clazier then he rooks.
ATCMC – So you are saying the threat is real and nothing the United States does will hinder your progress, correct?
Kim Jong-un – Vely good, you understand compretree. There is nothing that can be done to stop us.
ATCMC – Is your nuclear program that far along that a launch is imminent?
Kim Jong-un – Not in so many words, but yes we are getting leddy for a major raunch. All our tests have been pletty plomising.
As he spoke, little cookie bits were flying everywhere. It was like standing beside the discharge of a lawnmower while you were running it over a gravel driveway. I put my glasses back on more for safety then vision.
ATCMC – Do you have a target in mind, or are you going to see where it hits?
He took another swig of scotch, finished it, and then banged it on the table for a refill. Apparently I was not only acting as an interviewer but a bar tender as well. I filled his glass and patiently waited for a response. He took another swig.
Kim Jong-un – (belch) You Amelicans tink you pletty smart. I not ter you where we going to shoot at.
ATCMC – A source close to you told the Associated Press that you had capabilities to hit Guam. Is that the intended target?
Kim Jong-un – I not terring you. You will just have to see the awesome power of our weapons. We have a contlact with a good weapons maker and he not messing alound. It cost us rearry big money. We show the world.
Kim Jong-un - What you mean not a threat? We have the most advanced technorogy on the pranet.
ATCMC - Pictures have been leaked showing what some might call, um, sub-standard equipment.
Kim Jong-un - It is all Plopaganda to make round-eyes rike you feel more secure. We are a super power.
ATCMC - Okay, what ever you say buddy boy, but I don’t believe that calling me names is called for.
Kim Jong-un - Well, I not aporogizing. You have to deal with it. Now to show you I not a bad guy, I want you to join me for runch.
ATCMC - What are you serving?
Kim Jong-un - My convoy hit a dog on the way here.
Kim Jong-un - Well, they apploached me and ask me if I could be a before picture? I not know what that mean, but I know they offer to pay me so I take job to fund nuclear proglam.
As we were talking his lunch arrived. There was enough food there to feed a small country. There was seafood, kimchi, noodles and vegetables and some kind of meat. I assumed it was the dog hit earlier. I graciously declined any of the offerings. He looked at me and said, “This mine runch, you say you not hungly.” I watched in horror as this little fella mowed through the food set before him like Chuck Norris through an entire brigade of commies. I’m pretty sure he ate the Nutter Butters wrapper and empty scotch bottle as well since I couldn’t find them when he was done. When he finished he pushed all of the empty plates and dishes to the side, and snapped his fingers. Two men came in and scurried around the room gathering up the empties from his lunch. He sat back in his chair and belched. Then he farted and acted like it was the funniest thing ever in the world. I cleared my throat and got ready to ask more questions.
He stirred in his chair, almost falling off the books he was sitting on. He got a strange look on his face. I wasn’t sure what was going on until he leaned to one side again and, um depressurized yet again. He sat back in his chair and smiled. “False ararm,” he said. “Is everything okay?” I asked. “Yes, no probrem,” he answered. “No probrem” my ass. The room smelled like the dumpster at a slaughterhouse in August. Nonetheless I pressed on because the hour was getting late and I wasn’t sure how much more time I would be granted.
Kim Jong-un - That is right. Rike I say before. We have new Weapons factory working for us and we have good maker. The missile is best money can buy.
ATCMC - Is Iran helping you at all with the development of your nuclear weapons? I mean, it has been said in the media that your missile launches have been failures.
Kim Jong-un - Why you ask so many questions about my missiles? You tlying to be funny guy?
ATCMC - It is the big thing on everyone’s minds these days. I mean no disrespect I just want to ease the American Public’s fears about a nuclear attack.
Kim Jong-un - You not need to worry who helping us. All you need worry about is when we strike. Like a cobra. But now I must ask you question of my own.
ATCMC - Certainly sir, what ever you need to ask.
I was afraid of what the question might be. He was such a weird one, it was hard to imagine what earth-shattering questions this little fella could have.
Kim Jong-un - You got any more of them cookies?
Realizing I didn’t eat the 3 that he had graciously left me, I passed them across the table.
ATCMC - Here you go sir.
Kim Jong-un - Thank you but it is getting rate, I must be going, time for dinner soon. And prease don’t take our missile program rightry. We are a nuclear super power. You just don’t go around thinking you better than us. We not messing around.
ATCMC - I hope you enjoyed the Nutter Butters and Scotch.
Kim Jong-un - Yes, yes, good hooch. I rike the cookie too. You must tell me where to get them. I think it onry fair. We give you Ramen, you give us cookies.
I asked a few more questions but Kim Jong-un was becoming uncooperative. Apparently since it was 45 minutes since he ate last he was getting hungry and cranky. He stood up and climbed down off of his chair. He did not shake my hand or say anything else as he left. I was glad I made the trip now just so I could discover what a tool bag he really was. The third one of this family to be in control of North Korea and just as effed up as the other 2. The third generation cuckoo doesn’t fall too far from the tree.
I realize now that people like Kim Jong-un is what is wrong with the world. They are bent on world domination instead of everyone working together. I also want to take this time to send a prayer out to Boston where they had the bombing near the end of the marathon yesterday. Too many crack-pots out there and all they are doing is turning the world to shit. Kim Jong-un is just another mental midget in a line of thousands. Geeze-o-man, and they call ME carzy…